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Feb 15

What’s the Worst Way to Propose?

It’s only the rest of your life.

Background: You find yourself down on one knee with a little box containing a metal circle that you spent a couple thousand dollars to get (right?). There is no mulligan for the marriage proposal and unless you happen to be in Vegas, it’s pretty¬† much your most significant life event as a human being. So unless you’re banking on the idea of reincarnation, you better have a great proposal plan in the works. I mean, if you’re into the whole “interacting with others” thing.

Here are two important statements about marriage: In Life nobody gets divorced, and, nearly half of all marriages end in divorce. If you didn’t click the link you would think only the latter could be true. If you did click the link or you’re just smart like that you would think both could be true. Either way you are wrong…it is the former that is true. The old saying that “roughly half of all married couples get divorced” is one of the biggest fallacies about love. Unless, of course some folks just like it really rough (couldn’t resist).

And I’m proud to say that the initial credit for the 50% statistic goes to one Jennifer Baker from my fair city of Springfield, MO. However, according to an article from Time magazine, she is “erroneously credited” with it (we can’t have anything here I guess). Proponents of the 50% myth like to use data from marriage-to-divorce ratios. In 2000 for example, the ratio of marriages to divorces was 2.05-1 (1.89-1 in 2010) [Source]. So, for every 2 new marriages in a year there is one divorce, according to a strict interp’ of the numbers. But the problem is that the raw data varies state to state and by age and racial demographics. There’s so much variance that most statements about marriage as a whole are perhaps the generalest of general conclusions.

Conclusion: There is one statistic that is 100% true and unchanging: All rejected proposals end without marriage.¬†Just in case you want to conduct your own research to verify that claim I want you to ask all the fellas or ladies who got rejected these two questions: Did s/he reject you? Then did you two get married? Look, fact of the matter is we can’t spend all our time focusing on the causes of divorce, readers. Instead we need to focus on the causes of rejection. I’ve been working day and night to come up with a few bonafide ways for a marriage proposal to take a turn southward. All you future fiancees might want to take notes!

He/she will say no if:

  • You write the proposal in his/her alphabet soup.
  • You do it like this guy.
  • You bake him or her a proposal cake…out of cyanide.
  • #willumarryme
  • It’s Jeopardy style. (You have her read a card that says, “What is yes?” and you respond “Will you be with me, for the rest of my life?” This works really well if his/her name is Alex.
  • You do it at his/her mother’s funeral.